Meet the Coronasexual
By Adam Chase
Safer at home isn’t an umpire’s call at the plate. Nor is the virus novel at this point. Whether positive or negative or positively negative, we will get to relive this year, given our birthdays, along with everything else, have been cancelled. By now our curves are either flat or fat, so here’s a short coronacation to lighten an otherwise dark period.
Mask for screening out own ugly mug. Also convenient for bugs, leaf blowers, allergies, and not smelling flatulence or BO. Also for bad ventriloquists. Most important, it allows for judging those who aren’t wearing face covering.
Arm equals half the length of social distancing to practice safe six; not to be used for hugging; atrophied from not visiting gym
Fingers fatigued from dialing so much take-out and delivery
COVID-19 beard and no makeup
Immune system jacked on zinc, Vitamin D, exercise, less-polluted air— is so advanced it is producing antibodies for COVID-21
Ego so inflated while away from reality he thinks his social media influence has virtually gone viral
Stomach fueled by plant-based diet, good for the meat shortages; also pandemic baking projects, successes, and flops alike
Running shoes to escape lectures about conspiracies, hoaxes, and government plots from covidiots, and maskless yoots
Crotch for virtual sex with no literal fear of STDs or pregnancy
Hand not used to clap at concerts, shows and sporting events
Discerning mind to know that the virus was actually just a ploy on the part of our pets to get more quality time, petting, walks, and treats
Legs trained for social ultradistancing
(Smelly) arm pit: good for being an introvert and amplifying social distancing
Eyewear to hide bags from Netflix binging
Ears and eyes weary from Zoom meetings
Hair home cut due to closed barber/salon
Gut/love handles from the COVID-15 or, conversely, skinniness from not eating enough due to long lines at grocery store
Butt formed by contours of couch; asshole, also known as the jerk who hordes toilet paper
Watch to time intervals between hand washing; heart rate monitor to see rise in beats when passing yet another bag of dog poop sitting on the trail
Tan from time spent at the “outdoor office”
Thoughts scattered about the self-improvement efforts not pursued during quarantine
Mouth watering over whatever’s unavailable at the local grocery store due to mass hysteria hoarding and supply chain problems
Nose tired of smelling co-shelter-in-place mates